anyone who seeks to do it must risk his own soul

"Politics is a strong and slow boring of hard boards. It takes both passion and perspective. Certainly all historical experience confirms the truth --that man would not have attained the possible unless time and again he had reached out for the impossible. But to do that a man must be a leader, and not only a leader but a hero as well, in a very sober sense of the word. And even those who are neither leaders nor heroes must arm themselves with that steadfastness of heart which can brave even the crumbling of all hopes. This is necessary right now, or else men will not be able to attain even that which is possible today. Only he has the calling for politics who is sure that he shall not crumble when the world from his point of view is too stupid or too base for what he wants to offer. Only he who in the face of all this can say 'In spite of all!' has the calling for politics."
-Max Weber

you're spending all your nights growing old in your bed

there are so many people walking around like zombies, suffering the loss of Hollie and Laura Ashley. We are broken.

All my love to both families. I can't imagine.

Hollie, you were like a part of my family. Although I would go for stints without seeing you, you were ever present. I'm lucky to have known you. Your toughness and intimidation scared a lot of Rachel friends haha, but you were always there when you were needed. You fiercely protected your little sister Rachel. You loved your family so much. Please know Rachel has a lot of friends who are going to see her through this.

Listening to your unedited music at the visitation, I couldn't help but smile. It was fitting, you wouldn't have cared about our stuffy clothes or the solemn occasion, you would have said anything you felt like saying. I love you for that. The music illuminated your eternal youth and immortal personality.


gonna stay eighteen forever, so we can stay like this forever

there's too many half-ways-in-betweens

I am confusing artificial light for the moon.

here and now

it's been nearly a year since the SC primary. 1/26/08 changed my life and the course of history. that Saturday night victory rally sparked momentum that would carry Obama through the primaries and a momentum for my future. and here i am, a year later. I'm going to see the inauguration. I'm going to see DC for the first time. I'm going to burst with pride for my country, government, and fellow Americans.

why so soft, unresisting and yielding?

my plans never seem to work out. i just want to get away. i just want to be left alone. i'm wallowing in self-pity and it's disgusting. i can't believe my own jealousy. i don't feel in control anymore.





why so little fate in your glances?

fuck.

i am so stupid.

servants of one sovereign master

Two Treatises of Government
Section 6 of Chapter II 'Of the State of Nature'

"But though this be a state of liberty, yet it is not a state of licence: though man in that state have an uncontroulable liberty to dispose of his person or possessions, yet he has not liberty to destroy himself, or so much as any creature in his possession, but where some nobler use than its bare preservation calls for it. The state of nature has a law of nature to govern it, which obliges every one: and reason, which is that law, teaches all mankind, who will but consult it, that being all equal and independent, no one ought to harm another in his life, health, liberty, or possessions: for men being all the workmanship of one omnipotent, and infinitely wise maker; all the servants of one sovereign master, sent into the world by his order, and about his business; they are his property, whose workmanship they are, made to last during his, not one another's pleasure: and being furnished with like faculties, sharing all in one community of nature, there cannot be supposed any such subordination among us, that may authorize us to destroy one another, as if we were made for one another's uses, as the inferior ranks of creatures are for our's. Every one, as he is bound to preserve himself, and not to quit his station wilfully, so by the like reason, when his own preservation comes not in competition, ought he, as much as he can, to preserve the rest of mankind, and may not, unless it be to do justice on an offender, take away, or impair the life, or what tends to the preservation of the life, the liberty, health, limb, or goods of another."



i am my brother's keeper.
i am my brother's servant.
my life is not my own property.

checking tradition

For the first time during a religious discussion I haven't felt threatened, wrong, or unsure. I didn't respond in anger, frustration, or guilt. I was filled with a certainty that I've never felt. For the first time, I claimed aloud with no doubts to be an Atheist.



"Man must not check reason by tradition,
but contrariwise, must check tradition by reason." - Leo Tolstoy

all is for the best

a beautiful, simple masterpiece: Candide by Voltaire (1759)


"Men... must have corrupted nature a little, for they were not born wolves, and they have become wolves. God did not give them twenty-four-pounder cannons or bayonets, and they have made bayonets and cannons to destroy each other."

"If this is the best of all possible worlds, what are the others?"

"A hundred times I wanted to kill myself, but I still loved life. This ridiculous foible is perhaps one of our most disastrous inclinations. For is there anything more stupid than to want to bear continually a burden that we always want to throw to the ground? To regard our being with horror, and to cling to our being? In fine, to caress the serpent that devours us until it has eaten our hearts."

"I confess that when I consider this globe, or rather this globule, I think that God has abandoned it to some evil creature"

"Work keeps at bay three great evils: boredom, vice, and need."

"Man was born to live in the convulsions of anxiety or the lethargy of boredom."

"Do you think... that men have always massacred each other, as they do today? Have they always been liars, cheats, traitors, brigands, weak, flighty, cowardly, envious, gluttonous, drunken, grasping, and vicious, bloody, backbiting, debauched, fanatical, hypocritical, and silly?"

i dreamed of a fever

I think the switch might have flipped. For the past few weeks, whenever I think about god I feel nothing. I doubt I have the slightest bit of faith left. More and more, I think I may be atheist - I never expected this would be a possibility for me. I'll pray though. Proverbs 8:17


I need to warm up. I'm freezing here.
Lexington feels so cold. I can't wait to get out of here.
I just want to be surrounded by the people that I care about.



so if there is a perfect spring that’s waiting somewhere
just take me there and lie to me and say it’s going to be all right
it's going to be all right, yeah, you worry too much, kid
it's going to be all right

change can happen

i can't believe i was able to see Obama become President-Elect.
now the work truly begins,
let's go change the world.

fox and lion

i am so tired.
i don't feel the need to justify myself anymore.

my works speak loudly enough, my service has spoken for me -
i know there is more to do, i haven't done enough, but i feel as if i don't need to justify myself to anyone except God. my beliefs stand as they are. i am of the minority here, and i feel as if every new day is an inquisition. why should i explain myself to those that have done nothing except borrow their mother and father's rhetoric?

i want to win this election, rejoice, and then do more work.
no more talking, no more poetry.
it's time for prose.


this is a time for action.



"The innovator makes enemies of all who prospered under the old order, and only lukewarm support is forthcoming from those who would prosper under the new. [...] all armed prophets have conquered, and unarmed prophets have come to grief." - Machiavelli

my mistake was in refusing to bear arms.

He is able

'God is able to deliver us from this blazing, fiery furnace.'

i am so half-hearted in my attempts to seek him.
if i ever find him, i will hold on.
i won't ever slip again.

no one will shake me.

i don't think I'll ever be able to understand the concept of love or friendship because my view is so one sided. do i give because i fear there's no other use for me? or do i not let others in because I'm afraid of what they'll discover? i can't imagine why i should be any one's priority.


I've forgotten what it's like to be close.
i don't want to fuck anything else up.
i just don't want to be alone.

by faith

Romans 1:17
"The righteous will live by faith."

will You call me Your daughter?
will You turn me away?

Would the righteous still remain?

after all this time, i'm no closer to finding You.

Psalm 119:50

My comfort in my suffering is this: Your promise preserves my life.

self-conclusion

there are a few things i have to do on my own,

incase you were wondering.

Haec credam a deo pio, a deo justo, a deo scito?

spent

I've set a trap for myself in this role that I play.
I have to get out before it's too late.
I'm going fucking insane.

I need to tend to my own wounds.
I've got a few scars that are splitting again.




I am so weak.
I crave comfort and relief, a friend or a savior.
If I can't have a real God, I know I'll just create one.
so desperate, so stupid, so hopeless, so unsatisfied.




How long, Oh Lord?
Will You forget me forever?
How long will You hide Your face from me?

save farris

I've been praying for a sign.
I keep over analyzing everything.
One dollar bills, youth groups, brochures, absence, flickering lights, underlined words, lyrics, shapes, dreams, friendships.
postcards?

God, I am so selfish to keep asking. I hope you aren't getting tired. I keep getting little things that make me think you are trying to find me. Am I not trying hard enough to find you?

It is so stupid, but the message on this postsecret hit me.
Then I noticed my name.

God, do you exist? Are you trying to send me a sign?
I know you can't storm down here and part a sea. You can't send your son again just to prove yourself to me. How far will you go to get my attention? How important am I?

I feel like a stupid little girl whenever I talk about you.
I feel like time is running out. Send me something or someone soon.

Please, God, fix this.
It's been too long.

I am disgusted by my disbelief.
I am disgusted that I feel You should be worrying about me.
There is so much work to be done, God.
I'm sorry.


why are you scared to dream of God
when it's salvation that you want?

God, where have you been?

i wish i could talk about religion with people, face to face, but i don't have the courage. i just want someone to talk to me.

i find my lack of faith disgusting, but it is not a disease.
'Father, where have you been?'

it's been three years.
'Child, where have you been?'

reach out.
those lions are coming.
















they should deliver all my blessings
in small brown paper handbags near the porch
i wished i'd known that you were bleeding
while i sat and watched you reading with the Lord
-where have you been?;; manchester orchestra