there's nothing I wouldn't give

its ridiculous for me to continue to tell myself it wouldn't be a problem if i wasn't here. it'll always be a problem as long as i have the ability to think. i am the problem in this struggle, not the bible-thumpers that treat me like a disease, or worse, a project.


i can still justify all of my previous religious beliefs if need be; they make sense to me. i built it around the suffering I've seen, the suffering that haunts me, and the constant pain streaming live 24/7 on my television. a broken child, broken family, war-torn country, poverty, hunger, genocide, disease, natural disaster all delivered so nicely to my comfortable living room in a beautiful package of color and pixels. a bundle of worries distant enough that i should be entirely desensitized to them. it doesn't affect me, or at least I'm told it shouldn't.


but it does. i used to have nightmares of struggles I'm sure I'll never ever endure in reality, now i just don't sleep. i worry myself with things i feel powerless against. i know I'm just sixteen and not capable of much, but i feel such a huge responsibility to my fellow man. sitting here, being dependent on my mother, i feel useless.

does God feel responsible, too? does He care? is He trying to help?



i think in the simplest terms, my God, the one i want so badly to believe in, the one I've copied and pasted together, is a God of Love, Peace, and Humanity. A God of Revolution, if need be, a revolution against the overbearing and oppressive darkness that threatens to consume us. A God with open arms and a beautiful, forgiving nature.

A God that will allow me to redeem myself.

i have fallen; i am sorry.



i turn to activism in efforts to satisfy myself, but sometimes i wonder if i feel satisfied because I've inched closer to God - or I'm working with him. i can remember key moments during climaxes of protests and rallies where i thought "this is what church should feel like."

is it possible God works to resolve suffering through people? is that why He gave me these hands? this heart? this mind? does God need us? does God call his people to action? i hope so.

that would be my God.







i used to sleep without a single stir,
cause i was about my Father's work.
-millstone;; brand new



"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing."

what kind of life you dream of?

yesterday was amazing. I'm so glad I'm finally done with apush! that class was intense, I'm so happy i took it, and i know i learned a lot from Chellams. but still, WHAT A RELIEF! its over! thank God!

i felt like the exam went well. i only left 7 blank and i beasted the DBQ - the other two essays i made up some things and i was really vague... but i don't think they were too entirely disgusting - but it is possible.

i had planned to devote the rest of the day to simplicity: good food, the park, walking, coffee, literature; but as usual i got caught up in politics!

Mrs. Hensly was at the watershed with a few people running for state senate and house. apparently, I'm now working for Edgar Gomez's campaign. he is so interesting, i could listen to him talk all day! anyways, he's running against the republican incumbent, Nikki Haley. my first task is to locate private property that is willing to display his signs. alas, conservative Lexington!

but i love it! i get such a rush out of meeting new people and hearing their ideas on what would make this country better. I've met so many wonderful voters, volunteers, and politicians in the past year - i can't imagine my life without them or their stories. through their passion and hard work, my faith in humanity has been restored.

i can't wait until i don't have to go to school anymore, I'm ready to get on with my own life and start doing what i love 24/7.

when every other part of life seemed locked behind shutters
i knew the worthless dregs we are,
the selfless, loving saints we are,
the melting, sliding dice we've always been.
- know your onion!;; the shins

stay awake through summer like we own the heat

I'm tired. I'm stupid. I'm ready for the summer.

this year has been full of a lot of hard work. I've tried, honestly, to improve myself.

as June approaches, my motivation for self-improvement dwindles. i haven't achieved anything, and although i have changed significantly - i don't know if its for the better.

i have no idea who i am anymore. i go through extremes; I'm a cynic and a romantic all at once. the only common theme is that I've given up. after Friday, i consider my sophomore year over. I'm ready for the summer. I'm ready for a taste of freedom. I'm ready for good friends. I'm ready for nights i won't forget. I'm ready for open doors, new horizons, and limitless opportunity.

and I'll cope with the mistakes I'm going to make.

its worth it.

departure

"Whatever happens, conduct yourselves in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ. Then, whether I come and see you or only hear about you in my absence, I will know that you stand firm in one spirit, contending as one man for the faith of the gospel without being frightened in any way by those who oppose you. This is a sign to them that they will be destroyed, but that you will be saved—and that by God. For it has been granted to you on behalf of Christ not only to believe on him, but also to suffer for him, since you are going through the same struggle you saw I had, and now hear that I still have." - Philippians 1:27-30



i have no sense of who i am; i lack essential foundation for my own self. do i need a foundation to have faith or shall i make faith my foundation? i imagine that I'll never be capable of a faith without doubt, so i wonder if i should attempt to build myself up upon something so shaky.



tonight i went to Midtown, another notch in my tally of churches. i really enjoyed it - i think that if i ever figure this all out and i accept Christ I'd end up going there.

even though i liked it, it didn't change the fact that i was afraid. walking in i was shaking. i felt like i was intruding; i am an outsider. its a ridiculous feeling, out of the mass of people there - i couldn't possibly be singled out. i guess I'm just stupid.

the sermon dealt with suffering, a key component to Buddhism. i took notes comparing the christian and Buddhist view of suffering. it allowed me to express my own grey area between the two faiths. it was interesting for a first sermon on my religious adventure, especially since I've been discussing suffering lately.

i just wish i could talk about these things in person, I'm just too afraid. i know I'm prone to breakdowns and i couldn't bear to make someone deal with my overdramatic self. i feel alone, but i know I'm not. i know i could talk to someone if i had the courage to.
not talking to others makes me feel more isolated, which takes a harsher toll.

I'm doing it to myself.

their perfect fire annoyed me

"Come to me, all you that are weary and are carrying heavy burdens and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me; for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."
-matthew 11:28-30




i am weak, but i am willing.

you can only blame yourself

my addiction is ridiculous. i walk around craving a religious experience. i need a fix. i can devour all the words in the Koran and the Bible, read all about Buddha and other ancient, irrelevant texts - it won't help. i don't want this methadone. i want a true rush. i want a Divine high.



"sweep me under the rug
& a beating with a book everyone
the book tells you to love
there is an ember in the heart of the kiln
& its burning hot with love
Burning out my sins until there's nothing but dust
holding me with care into your cigarette
cause the God i believe in never worked on a campaign trail

what did you learn tonight?
you're shouting so loud you barely enjoy this broken thing
you're a voice that never sings, is what I say
you were freezing over hell
you were bringing on the end, you do so well
you can only blame yourself, it's what I say

who do you carry the torch for, my young man?
do you believe in anything?
do you carry it around just to burn things to the ground?"
-brand new;; The Archer's Bows Are Broken

abandonment

i used to think i had my faith under control. i'm spiralling downward. i have no idea what i am going to do. i want to be content with my own ideas about religion, but i crave fellowship. i think of my choices and all i see are two: 1) find a group of open-minded people who are content to sit around once a week and just talk about religion as well as offer comfort. hell, i don't need a congregation of 50, i just need one or two people to talk to in person; or 2) i could get over it, convert, fake it like the half of the church-goers do. shove it aside. deal with it later.

"What you have to understand, is your father was your model for God. If you're male and you're Christian and living in America, your father is your model for God. And if you never know your father, if your father bails out and dies or is never at home, what do you believe about God? What you end up doing is you spend your life searching for your father and God. What you have to consider is the possibility that God doesn't like you. Could be, God hates us. This is not the worst thing that could happen."

i read Fight Club so long ago, but still these quotes always strike me harder than any others. my father is distant; i feel like God is distant. i wish for nothing more than a genuine relationship with God. i want support, comfort, solace, discipline, and i want to be saved. i can't help but wonder if part of this desire comes from my lack of a father on earth.

"How Tyler saw it was that getting God's attention for being bad was better than getting no attention at all. Maybe because God's hate is better than His indifference.
If you could be either God's worst enemy or nothing, which would you choose?
We are God's middle children, according to Tyler Durden, with no special place in history and no special attention.
Unless we get God's attention, we have no hope of damnation or redemption.
Which is worse, hell or nothing?
Only if we're caught and punished can we be saved."



i feel like a wounded child. lost. calling out for help. i'm passed every day by so many people, most of them don't mention it. i know its evident. i know i must give off the impression of someone on the edge. my voice cracks, i don't sleep, i'm always disheveled. i'm too weak to ask for help in plain language, but i know that the signs are there.



i have times where i decide that i'm overdue for a bad decision; i'll do something stupid for the hell of it. i won't enjoy it. i feel like a child. i feel like vandalizing the pearly gates themselves and daring God to get off his ass. i want proof he cares. its a good thing i came to the realization that my stupidity isn't going to beckon him to show himself. If Sudan doesn't do it for you, i doubt a stupid teenager will.


i give up on my pathetic attempts to get a response. i play God for myself. i'll get involved, i'll make my own change. just sit back in the heavenly throne, i'll do your job. i'll show love and compassion, i'll fight for justice. just keep watching.

though, these are still empty threats. i cannot be God.

i just want him to notice me. send me a sign. save me. love me.

"I've met God across his long walnut desk with his diplomas hanging on the wall behind him, and God asks me, "Why?"
Why did I cause so much pain?
Didn't I realize that each of us is a sacred, unique snowflake of special unique specialness?
Can't I see that we're all manifestations of love?
I look at God behind his desk, taking notes on a pad, but God's got this all wrong.
We are not special.
We are not crap or trash either. We just are.
We just are, and what happens just happens.
And God says, "No, that's not right."
Yeah. Well. Whatever. You can't teach God anything."