my addiction is ridiculous. i walk around craving a religious experience. i need a fix. i can devour all the words in the Koran and the Bible, read all about Buddha and other ancient, irrelevant texts - it won't help. i don't want this methadone. i want a true rush. i want a Divine high.
"sweep me under the rug
& a beating with a book everyone
the book tells you to love
there is an ember in the heart of the kiln
& its burning hot with love
Burning out my sins until there's nothing but dust
holding me with care into your cigarette
cause the God i believe in never worked on a campaign trail
what did you learn tonight?
you're shouting so loud you barely enjoy this broken thing
you're a voice that never sings, is what I say
you were freezing over hell
you were bringing on the end, you do so well
you can only blame yourself, it's what I say
who do you carry the torch for, my young man?
do you believe in anything?
do you carry it around just to burn things to the ground?"
-brand new;; The Archer's Bows Are Broken
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
abandonment
i used to think i had my faith under control. i'm spiralling downward. i have no idea what i am going to do. i want to be content with my own ideas about religion, but i crave fellowship. i think of my choices and all i see are two: 1) find a group of open-minded people who are content to sit around once a week and just talk about religion as well as offer comfort. hell, i don't need a congregation of 50, i just need one or two people to talk to in person; or 2) i could get over it, convert, fake it like the half of the church-goers do. shove it aside. deal with it later.
"What you have to understand, is your father was your model for God. If you're male and you're Christian and living in America, your father is your model for God. And if you never know your father, if your father bails out and dies or is never at home, what do you believe about God? What you end up doing is you spend your life searching for your father and God. What you have to consider is the possibility that God doesn't like you. Could be, God hates us. This is not the worst thing that could happen."
i read Fight Club so long ago, but still these quotes always strike me harder than any others. my father is distant; i feel like God is distant. i wish for nothing more than a genuine relationship with God. i want support, comfort, solace, discipline, and i want to be saved. i can't help but wonder if part of this desire comes from my lack of a father on earth.
"How Tyler saw it was that getting God's attention for being bad was better than getting no attention at all. Maybe because God's hate is better than His indifference.
If you could be either God's worst enemy or nothing, which would you choose?
We are God's middle children, according to Tyler Durden, with no special place in history and no special attention.
Unless we get God's attention, we have no hope of damnation or redemption.
Which is worse, hell or nothing?
Only if we're caught and punished can we be saved."
i feel like a wounded child. lost. calling out for help. i'm passed every day by so many people, most of them don't mention it. i know its evident. i know i must give off the impression of someone on the edge. my voice cracks, i don't sleep, i'm always disheveled. i'm too weak to ask for help in plain language, but i know that the signs are there.
i have times where i decide that i'm overdue for a bad decision; i'll do something stupid for the hell of it. i won't enjoy it. i feel like a child. i feel like vandalizing the pearly gates themselves and daring God to get off his ass. i want proof he cares. its a good thing i came to the realization that my stupidity isn't going to beckon him to show himself. If Sudan doesn't do it for you, i doubt a stupid teenager will.
i give up on my pathetic attempts to get a response. i play God for myself. i'll get involved, i'll make my own change. just sit back in the heavenly throne, i'll do your job. i'll show love and compassion, i'll fight for justice. just keep watching.
though, these are still empty threats. i cannot be God.
i just want him to notice me. send me a sign. save me. love me.
"I've met God across his long walnut desk with his diplomas hanging on the wall behind him, and God asks me, "Why?"
Why did I cause so much pain?
Didn't I realize that each of us is a sacred, unique snowflake of special unique specialness?
Can't I see that we're all manifestations of love?
I look at God behind his desk, taking notes on a pad, but God's got this all wrong.
We are not special.
We are not crap or trash either. We just are.
We just are, and what happens just happens.
And God says, "No, that's not right."
Yeah. Well. Whatever. You can't teach God anything."
"What you have to understand, is your father was your model for God. If you're male and you're Christian and living in America, your father is your model for God. And if you never know your father, if your father bails out and dies or is never at home, what do you believe about God? What you end up doing is you spend your life searching for your father and God. What you have to consider is the possibility that God doesn't like you. Could be, God hates us. This is not the worst thing that could happen."
i read Fight Club so long ago, but still these quotes always strike me harder than any others. my father is distant; i feel like God is distant. i wish for nothing more than a genuine relationship with God. i want support, comfort, solace, discipline, and i want to be saved. i can't help but wonder if part of this desire comes from my lack of a father on earth.
"How Tyler saw it was that getting God's attention for being bad was better than getting no attention at all. Maybe because God's hate is better than His indifference.
If you could be either God's worst enemy or nothing, which would you choose?
We are God's middle children, according to Tyler Durden, with no special place in history and no special attention.
Unless we get God's attention, we have no hope of damnation or redemption.
Which is worse, hell or nothing?
Only if we're caught and punished can we be saved."
i feel like a wounded child. lost. calling out for help. i'm passed every day by so many people, most of them don't mention it. i know its evident. i know i must give off the impression of someone on the edge. my voice cracks, i don't sleep, i'm always disheveled. i'm too weak to ask for help in plain language, but i know that the signs are there.
i have times where i decide that i'm overdue for a bad decision; i'll do something stupid for the hell of it. i won't enjoy it. i feel like a child. i feel like vandalizing the pearly gates themselves and daring God to get off his ass. i want proof he cares. its a good thing i came to the realization that my stupidity isn't going to beckon him to show himself. If Sudan doesn't do it for you, i doubt a stupid teenager will.
i give up on my pathetic attempts to get a response. i play God for myself. i'll get involved, i'll make my own change. just sit back in the heavenly throne, i'll do your job. i'll show love and compassion, i'll fight for justice. just keep watching.
though, these are still empty threats. i cannot be God.
i just want him to notice me. send me a sign. save me. love me.
"I've met God across his long walnut desk with his diplomas hanging on the wall behind him, and God asks me, "Why?"
Why did I cause so much pain?
Didn't I realize that each of us is a sacred, unique snowflake of special unique specialness?
Can't I see that we're all manifestations of love?
I look at God behind his desk, taking notes on a pad, but God's got this all wrong.
We are not special.
We are not crap or trash either. We just are.
We just are, and what happens just happens.
And God says, "No, that's not right."
Yeah. Well. Whatever. You can't teach God anything."
Monday, March 24, 2008
& glow, glow
i'm 16 now, and this is the only birthday i've ever had that made me feel different. its not that i feel older, or more mature, but i feel more capable. i don't think i feel this way because i'm 16, i just know i feel it.
i filled with the urge to chase after something; i know i can grasp it; i know it is possible. i want to challenge someone because for the first time in my life, i just know that i could win.
its a strange sort of pride, caused by absolutely nothing. i've achieved no greatness to make me feel this way. in fact, i've barely accomplished anything. i feel its wrong to feel so completely sure of myself, but i don't think i can help it. this pride is sinful.
the urge to challenge and conquer scratches the walls of my heart, and i fear it will be released. i know the results could be disastrous. strangely enough, i don't care.
so enlist every ounce
of your bright blood
& off with their heads
jump from the hook
you're not obliged
to swallow anything you despise
-sleeping lessons;; the shins
i filled with the urge to chase after something; i know i can grasp it; i know it is possible. i want to challenge someone because for the first time in my life, i just know that i could win.
its a strange sort of pride, caused by absolutely nothing. i've achieved no greatness to make me feel this way. in fact, i've barely accomplished anything. i feel its wrong to feel so completely sure of myself, but i don't think i can help it. this pride is sinful.
the urge to challenge and conquer scratches the walls of my heart, and i fear it will be released. i know the results could be disastrous. strangely enough, i don't care.
so enlist every ounce
of your bright blood
& off with their heads
jump from the hook
you're not obliged
to swallow anything you despise
-sleeping lessons;; the shins
Saturday, March 1, 2008
passenger seat
last night i was at the wired bean, hanging out with a few of my friends - doing nothing in particular but existing in each other's good company, which is almost always good enough.
i wasn't aware that it was FCA worship night. Aware is a bad word to use, i had heard about it, but its knowledge, so useless to me, was stored in the depths of my mind. so i was aware, but not completely conscious of it. i guess that's the case with most things.
one by one people i loved walked through the door of the bean, stopping to laugh and joke and talk with me, but ultimately passing through to the watershed - to the congregation of Christians.
eventually my friends left, about an hour before i was to be picked up.
i drifted off in the cozy chair, listening to the sounds of the worshippers. suddenly, i was filled with so many emotions.
envy, of everyone and their fellowship and how i did not belong;
loneliness, i felt so alone in my doubt and skepticism;
the self-loathing of not having the strength to resist 'sin', of not being able to blindly believe or understand or have faith, of giving up;
i was reminded of the anger i felt when i was pushed away by church members for asking questions; of the times i tried so hard to be christian and know Christ, all of the failures i suffered when trying to grasp the concept of heaven and hell.
of all the things i felt that night,
the most painful one was the aching desire to know god.
i sat there, feeling completely unable to bear what i felt. it will always be the cross i can not shoulder. i felt weak. i wondered if anyone else felt as unsure as i do, and if so, why couldn't we talk about it? why wouldn't they speak up? i felt so alone it made me sick, i felt so disconnected from my fellow humans. i was thoroughly disgusted by myself and my refusal to just accept.
i wondered if anyone in the wired bean felt the same way. i wondered if anyone in the watershed felt these same doubts as they lifted their Lord's name.
mostly everyone i know goes to church, but only a few of them make me want to go to church. they are people who are so compassionate, who have such open hearts, and i can see the living word of Christ reflected in their faces. these people make me want to know them, and likewise make me want to know God. their faith is beautiful.
i think my greatest fear is being alone.
without fellowship.
without god.
i felt so uncomfortable in that chair with the sound of praise ringing in my ears, that i left. i went outside, it was the desperate desire to look at the stars and perhaps see the face of god.
only one star was visible to me on that cold, clear night.
i wasn't aware that it was FCA worship night. Aware is a bad word to use, i had heard about it, but its knowledge, so useless to me, was stored in the depths of my mind. so i was aware, but not completely conscious of it. i guess that's the case with most things.
one by one people i loved walked through the door of the bean, stopping to laugh and joke and talk with me, but ultimately passing through to the watershed - to the congregation of Christians.
eventually my friends left, about an hour before i was to be picked up.
i drifted off in the cozy chair, listening to the sounds of the worshippers. suddenly, i was filled with so many emotions.
envy, of everyone and their fellowship and how i did not belong;
loneliness, i felt so alone in my doubt and skepticism;
the self-loathing of not having the strength to resist 'sin', of not being able to blindly believe or understand or have faith, of giving up;
i was reminded of the anger i felt when i was pushed away by church members for asking questions; of the times i tried so hard to be christian and know Christ, all of the failures i suffered when trying to grasp the concept of heaven and hell.
of all the things i felt that night,
the most painful one was the aching desire to know god.
i sat there, feeling completely unable to bear what i felt. it will always be the cross i can not shoulder. i felt weak. i wondered if anyone else felt as unsure as i do, and if so, why couldn't we talk about it? why wouldn't they speak up? i felt so alone it made me sick, i felt so disconnected from my fellow humans. i was thoroughly disgusted by myself and my refusal to just accept.
i wondered if anyone in the wired bean felt the same way. i wondered if anyone in the watershed felt these same doubts as they lifted their Lord's name.
mostly everyone i know goes to church, but only a few of them make me want to go to church. they are people who are so compassionate, who have such open hearts, and i can see the living word of Christ reflected in their faces. these people make me want to know them, and likewise make me want to know God. their faith is beautiful.
i think my greatest fear is being alone.
without fellowship.
without god.
i felt so uncomfortable in that chair with the sound of praise ringing in my ears, that i left. i went outside, it was the desperate desire to look at the stars and perhaps see the face of god.
only one star was visible to me on that cold, clear night.
Monday, February 11, 2008
my barbaric YAWP
i really love walt whitman.
i wish the words that i write had half the life that his do.
"I CELEBRATE myself, and sing myself,
And what I assume you shall assume,
For every atom belonging to me as good belongs to you.
I loafe and invite my soul,
I lean and loafe at my ease observing a spear of summer grass.
My tongue, every atom of my blood, form'd from this soil, this air,
Born here of parents born here from parents the same, and their parents the same,
I, now thirty-seven years old in perfect health begin,
Hoping to cease not till death.
Creeds and schools in abeyance,
Retiring back a while sufficed at what they are, but never forgotten,
I harbor for good or bad,
I permit to speak at every hazard,
Nature without check with original energy. "
-Song of Myself; 1
i wish the words that i write had half the life that his do.
"I CELEBRATE myself, and sing myself,
And what I assume you shall assume,
For every atom belonging to me as good belongs to you.
I loafe and invite my soul,
I lean and loafe at my ease observing a spear of summer grass.
My tongue, every atom of my blood, form'd from this soil, this air,
Born here of parents born here from parents the same, and their parents the same,
I, now thirty-seven years old in perfect health begin,
Hoping to cease not till death.
Creeds and schools in abeyance,
Retiring back a while sufficed at what they are, but never forgotten,
I harbor for good or bad,
I permit to speak at every hazard,
Nature without check with original energy. "
-Song of Myself; 1
Sunday, February 3, 2008
california
as usual, i'm facing a miserable low after the greatest high i have ever experienced. i feel like i'm being ridiculus, and i probably am, but i just can't stand it. the four months leading up to january 26th were amazing. i've met so many people i will never forget and i learned more than i ever expected. it was always in the back of my mind that it would have to end somewhere - i just didn't know it would be so sudden. something that big would deserve a greater send off in my mind...
although i guess it was the greatest send off imaginable. we won. all of our hard work paid off, as we knew it would. the sleepless nights, hours of phonebanking, days of volunteer training all culminating in one amazing night. the victory speech will always stand out as a singular moment in my mind - all those people celebrating the same thing, tied together by just one thing - their desire for change.
and i know this experience has changed my life forever. no longer to i want to compromise my ambitions - i know what i will do and i know it will be more fullfilling than anything i could have dreamed of doing before. i've discovered i'm happiest working as many hours as possible for something i'm passionate about.
i'm so afraid that i won't be able to rally SFBO and it will fall apart just because the primaries here are over. there's still so much we can do. i know that i can keep us together though, if i invest my all energy into it. i felt lost when betsy left - she has had such a heavy hand in my small group. now i know this is about what we can do, betsy was a huge asset, but it was not her group. it ours. Lexington High School's. we will continue the group and we will be ready when obama gets the nomination and his organizers return to SC. we'll be here waiting.
as much as i miss all the people that left, it keeps me sane to know that they are going to get others FIRED UP and that they will be back soon. i can't wait until that day.
you know just the right thing to say when the
distance rips us farther and farther and farther away
i'll see you soon, if you're coming back this way again.
come back from California,
all of us here in Florida are starved for your attention.
-california;; copeland
although i guess it was the greatest send off imaginable. we won. all of our hard work paid off, as we knew it would. the sleepless nights, hours of phonebanking, days of volunteer training all culminating in one amazing night. the victory speech will always stand out as a singular moment in my mind - all those people celebrating the same thing, tied together by just one thing - their desire for change.
and i know this experience has changed my life forever. no longer to i want to compromise my ambitions - i know what i will do and i know it will be more fullfilling than anything i could have dreamed of doing before. i've discovered i'm happiest working as many hours as possible for something i'm passionate about.
i'm so afraid that i won't be able to rally SFBO and it will fall apart just because the primaries here are over. there's still so much we can do. i know that i can keep us together though, if i invest my all energy into it. i felt lost when betsy left - she has had such a heavy hand in my small group. now i know this is about what we can do, betsy was a huge asset, but it was not her group. it ours. Lexington High School's. we will continue the group and we will be ready when obama gets the nomination and his organizers return to SC. we'll be here waiting.
as much as i miss all the people that left, it keeps me sane to know that they are going to get others FIRED UP and that they will be back soon. i can't wait until that day.
you know just the right thing to say when the
distance rips us farther and farther and farther away
i'll see you soon, if you're coming back this way again.
come back from California,
all of us here in Florida are starved for your attention.
-california;; copeland
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
land locked blues
i'm at an interesting crossroads in my life.
i feel as if i need to decide right now what i wish to pursue.
i'm a driven and an impatient person - i can't stand to be in limbo.
i feel torn between passions and combining them would be compromising.
i hate the concept that God will lead me to where i need to be. how lazy? how stupid? to rely on someone who may not exist to take charge of your life. i can't drift any longer and hope to be guided into my niche. i need to take charge of my life, both my successes and my failures will be mine.
& the world’s got me dizzy again
you think after 22 years i’d be used to the spin
& it only feels worse when i stay in one place
so i’m always pacing around or walking away
i keep drinking the ink from my pen
& i’m balancing history books up on my head
but it all boils down to one quotable phrase
if you love something, give it away
- land locked blues;; bright eyes
i feel as if i need to decide right now what i wish to pursue.
i'm a driven and an impatient person - i can't stand to be in limbo.
i feel torn between passions and combining them would be compromising.
i hate the concept that God will lead me to where i need to be. how lazy? how stupid? to rely on someone who may not exist to take charge of your life. i can't drift any longer and hope to be guided into my niche. i need to take charge of my life, both my successes and my failures will be mine.
& the world’s got me dizzy again
you think after 22 years i’d be used to the spin
& it only feels worse when i stay in one place
so i’m always pacing around or walking away
i keep drinking the ink from my pen
& i’m balancing history books up on my head
but it all boils down to one quotable phrase
if you love something, give it away
- land locked blues;; bright eyes
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