last night i was at the wired bean, hanging out with a few of my friends - doing nothing in particular but existing in each other's good company, which is almost always good enough.
i wasn't aware that it was FCA worship night. Aware is a bad word to use, i had heard about it, but its knowledge, so useless to me, was stored in the depths of my mind. so i was aware, but not completely conscious of it. i guess that's the case with most things.
one by one people i loved walked through the door of the bean, stopping to laugh and joke and talk with me, but ultimately passing through to the watershed - to the congregation of Christians.
eventually my friends left, about an hour before i was to be picked up.
i drifted off in the cozy chair, listening to the sounds of the worshippers. suddenly, i was filled with so many emotions.
envy, of everyone and their fellowship and how i did not belong;
loneliness, i felt so alone in my doubt and skepticism;
the self-loathing of not having the strength to resist 'sin', of not being able to blindly believe or understand or have faith, of giving up;
i was reminded of the anger i felt when i was pushed away by church members for asking questions; of the times i tried so hard to be christian and know Christ, all of the failures i suffered when trying to grasp the concept of heaven and hell.
of all the things i felt that night,
the most painful one was the aching desire to know god.
i sat there, feeling completely unable to bear what i felt. it will always be the cross i can not shoulder. i felt weak. i wondered if anyone else felt as unsure as i do, and if so, why couldn't we talk about it? why wouldn't they speak up? i felt so alone it made me sick, i felt so disconnected from my fellow humans. i was thoroughly disgusted by myself and my refusal to just accept.
i wondered if anyone in the wired bean felt the same way. i wondered if anyone in the watershed felt these same doubts as they lifted their Lord's name.
mostly everyone i know goes to church, but only a few of them make me want to go to church. they are people who are so compassionate, who have such open hearts, and i can see the living word of Christ reflected in their faces. these people make me want to know them, and likewise make me want to know God. their faith is beautiful.
i think my greatest fear is being alone.
without fellowship.
without god.
i felt so uncomfortable in that chair with the sound of praise ringing in my ears, that i left. i went outside, it was the desperate desire to look at the stars and perhaps see the face of god.
only one star was visible to me on that cold, clear night.
