i hate when i let simple insecurity get in the way of something great. i don't understand why i hold back so much. why am i so afraid of getting too far ahead? it can't possibly be natural. i find it impossible to step onto the stage and set myself apart from them. its going to be the reason for my mediocrity. i don't understand why i give myself limits.
i am so stupid.
i pray that something becomes of the horrible mess, and although i've missed the deadline - maybe something local will crop up and i'll still have an amazing opportunity. until then, i'm going to be kicking myself.
in other news, i give in and give up to Him. i'm surrendering my skeptic nature for a brief time. i'm working to read my bible again, i hope that i can gather enough of a support system within myself and among my friends so that i can make it through this. its difficult, but i want it so badly. i've put myself in a living hell for over three years now, i've barred myself from God's love. i'm ready for this to be over. i am so weak without Him.
Of course I was raised to
Gather courage from those
Lofty tales so tried and true, but
If you're able I'd suggest it, 'cause this
Modern thought can get the best of you
This rather simple epitaph
Can save your hide, your falling mind
Fate isn't what we're up against
There's no design, no flaws to find
But I learned fast how to
Keep my head up, 'cause I
Know I've got this side of me that
Wants to grab the yoke from the pilot
And just fly the whole mess into the sea
-Young Pilgrims;; The Shins
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