For the first time during a religious discussion I haven't felt threatened, wrong, or unsure. I didn't respond in anger, frustration, or guilt. I was filled with a certainty that I've never felt. For the first time, I claimed aloud with no doubts to be an Atheist.
"Man must not check reason by tradition,
but contrariwise, must check tradition by reason." - Leo Tolstoy
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hey! okay so i have no idea who you are but tonight i stumbled across your page as i googled the lyrics to the song "their perfect fire annoyed me". I read one of your entries about how you recently became an atheist and have never felt more at peace. That statement scared me to death!! I kept reading and found myself in tears.. I AM SO SORRY that all the Christians around you treated you like they did. I AM SO SORRY that you felt alone in your struggle and that no one there was willing to talk. That is not the life that CHRIST called HIS followers to. HE called us to be in the world but not of it. HE called us to be intentional with every one of our relationships, to leverage everything in our life for HIS kingdom and HIS glory. HE commanded that we always speak about HIM and the difference HE has made in our lives- A speech that should be an overflow of the intense love we have for HIM. I AM SO SORRY that our Christianity has not even begun to live up to those standards. I AM SO SORRY that our Christianity has become nothing more than a “religion”, a “social thing” and a “status”. Though so many of us claim to know and love JESUS CHRIST, the majority are so much more in love with themselves and do nothing more than try to fit JESUS into their lives when and if it’s convenient. THIS IS NOT TRUE CHRISTIANITY. That is a man-made and self -serving religion. True Christianity is a life changing relationship with the GOD of the universe. Its not something that can be faked. Its not something that you can try to fit into your life. It consumes your life and its value is immeasurable.
I just wanted to write you and let you know that you are not alone in your struggles and your doubts. You are not the only one who is thinking those thoughts, who so desires GOD but feels nothing. I am there right now. That song about “their false fire annoys me” describes my walk with GOD right now and it scares me so so bad. ive always thought myself to be a Christian for as long as i can remember.. but beginning this summer GOD really began shaking up everything that i was trusting in. Even though i knew better in my head, my Christianity was nothing more than a "religion", and nothing more than a "show". I was simply obsessed with being a "good Christian girl" in the eyes of my peers. I have grown up in the Bible belt and been to church all my life but have never truly *known* GOD or loved HIM like HE deserved. Sure i love the concept of GOD and I believe with all my heart that JESUS is the SON of GOD, was crucified for my sins and rose again but you know what? that is not enough. its not about having head knowledge of who GOD is b/c the bible says that even the demons realize who JESUS is and they tremble. Its taken a while and it has been soo hard and soo frustrating but i am beginning to see how GOD doesn’t care about our religious deeds or our "beliefs" what matters is a RELATIONSHIP with HIM. and when a person truly encounters GOD like that he or she will fall head over heels in love with HIM and absolutely everything will change. Matthew 7:21 says that on judgment day countless people will come up to CHRIST and be like “did we not prophesy in YOUR name and cast out demons in YOUR name and do all kinds of religious deeds in YOUR Name. and JESUS will say to them depart from ME I never *knew* you.” That scares me so bad b/c that is exactly where I am. I do all kinds of “religious deeds” for GOD but I do not KNOW HIM! I so desire to but I'm not there yet. I will not give up however. I will wait on the LORD no matter how long it takes and i will claim the promises of GOD that say “I love those who love ME, and those who seek ME diligently find ME.” –Proverbs 8.17 and “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. **Then you will call upon ME and come and pray to ME, and I will hear you. You will seek ME and find ME, when you seek ME with all your heart. I will be found by you, declares the LORD**, and I will restore your fortunes and gather you from all the nations and all the places where I have driven you, declares the LORD, and I will bring you back to the place from which I sent you into exile.” –Jeremiah 29.11-14 and “And “without faith it is impossible to please HIM, for whoever would draw near to GOD must believe that HE exists and that HE rewards those who seek HIM.” –Hebrews 11.6
To be completely honest, I don’t feel much of anything when I pray. When I go to church I get real emotional sometimes but I'm not sure if that’s me trying to produce false fire or if it’s the SPIRIT of GOD beginning to work in me but whatever it is I refuse to give up. I know that GOD doesn’t want to have anything to do with a lukewarm person- a person who is just riding the fence- who wants a little bit of GOD and a little bit of the world. My GOD is only interested in the person who will love HIM with ALL their heart and soul and mind and strength. The kind of person who responds to the Gospel like the man in Matthew 13.44 who found a treasure of highest value so he buries the treasure, goes off and joyfully sells all that he has so that he can buy that field and have that priceless treasure. That is the only response to the Gospel that GOD accepts. I know personally my life has been the opposite. I want GOD and I want this world but HE is showing me that I cannot have them both and that this attitude is such a slap in the face to HIM. How dare I choose the created over the CREATOR!?!! I have been lukewarm for as long as I can remember- its the only way of life i know. I don’t think I know more than 3 or 4 people who truly love GOD the way HE deserves. For that reason I used to think that I was okay.. that I was just like those around me and therefore GOD would have to let me in heaven. That GOD had to be pleased with me b/c I said all the right things and lived my life just a little more morally than those around me but I have begun to see that that is the furthest thing from the truth- that I have been living a lie all my life and encouraging others to live the same way. I am so so thankful that GOD has awakened me from this false delusion and that HE is beginning to allow me to see the truth. I honestly believe that GOD is using this struggle in my life to rid me of all the “religion” I am holding onto so I will realize that HE is all I need. So that I will seek after HIM with ALL MY HEART. That I will be so desperate for HIM that I can barely eat or sleep or focus on anything else until I have HIM. I just pray that HE will give me the faith to believe and to love HIM like HE deserves.
Since this struggle has been happening in my life I have been trying to change my life on my own.. trying to make myself love GOD like HE deserves, trying to convict myself of sin so that I can see my desperate need for a SAVIOR but I can now see that all these things cannot occur apart from a supernatural work of the SPIRIT of the LIVING GOD. I cannot produce repentance, conviction, faith or salvation on my own. And even if I could, they would not be worth a thing b/c I am fallen. Thankfully true faith, true repentance, true conviction and true salvation are from the LORD alone and therefore when they truly come, absolutely nothing can shake them. I am not there YET but I refuse to continue trying to please GOD on my own. My efforts will only be in vain until HE into my life. Until HE changes me. Until HE replaces my dead heart with a heart that is truly alive and so in love with HIM. I will wait on HIM and desperately cry out to HIM every moment of everyday until HE comes or until I die BECAUSE HE IS WORTH IT!!! And b/c life doesn’t make any sense apart from HIM!!!
Okay so that was a lot longer than I was expecting it to be haha but please, please email me-- seekinghimwithallmyheart@hotmail.com... I would LOVE to talk with and listen to you. I would love to be able to work through this time of silence from GOD with you b/c HE will not remain silent forever. I don’t have wisdom and I don’t have answers- just honest stories of where struggles, doubts and failings HOWEVER I have faith in a GOD who restores wasted years, a GOD who is a HEALER to the broken, who brings peace to our madness and comfort In our sadness. A GOD who is a fountain for the thirsty-- who gives LIVING WATER so that we will never thirst again!
I have no idea where you are now in terms of your faith in GOD but I know exactly where you have been. and while you say you have peace now in atheism I KNOW that that “peace” pales in comparison to knowing and being known by the GOD of the universe. The GOD who gave HIS beloved SON to suffer and die in order to make a way for you to come to HIM. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING CAN COMPARE WITH THAT. Please know that you are being lifted up to the FATHER and that you are not alone. I would love to hear from you! seekingHimwithallmyheart@comcast.net - a fellow seeker
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