abandonment

i used to think i had my faith under control. i'm spiralling downward. i have no idea what i am going to do. i want to be content with my own ideas about religion, but i crave fellowship. i think of my choices and all i see are two: 1) find a group of open-minded people who are content to sit around once a week and just talk about religion as well as offer comfort. hell, i don't need a congregation of 50, i just need one or two people to talk to in person; or 2) i could get over it, convert, fake it like the half of the church-goers do. shove it aside. deal with it later.

"What you have to understand, is your father was your model for God. If you're male and you're Christian and living in America, your father is your model for God. And if you never know your father, if your father bails out and dies or is never at home, what do you believe about God? What you end up doing is you spend your life searching for your father and God. What you have to consider is the possibility that God doesn't like you. Could be, God hates us. This is not the worst thing that could happen."

i read Fight Club so long ago, but still these quotes always strike me harder than any others. my father is distant; i feel like God is distant. i wish for nothing more than a genuine relationship with God. i want support, comfort, solace, discipline, and i want to be saved. i can't help but wonder if part of this desire comes from my lack of a father on earth.

"How Tyler saw it was that getting God's attention for being bad was better than getting no attention at all. Maybe because God's hate is better than His indifference.
If you could be either God's worst enemy or nothing, which would you choose?
We are God's middle children, according to Tyler Durden, with no special place in history and no special attention.
Unless we get God's attention, we have no hope of damnation or redemption.
Which is worse, hell or nothing?
Only if we're caught and punished can we be saved."



i feel like a wounded child. lost. calling out for help. i'm passed every day by so many people, most of them don't mention it. i know its evident. i know i must give off the impression of someone on the edge. my voice cracks, i don't sleep, i'm always disheveled. i'm too weak to ask for help in plain language, but i know that the signs are there.



i have times where i decide that i'm overdue for a bad decision; i'll do something stupid for the hell of it. i won't enjoy it. i feel like a child. i feel like vandalizing the pearly gates themselves and daring God to get off his ass. i want proof he cares. its a good thing i came to the realization that my stupidity isn't going to beckon him to show himself. If Sudan doesn't do it for you, i doubt a stupid teenager will.


i give up on my pathetic attempts to get a response. i play God for myself. i'll get involved, i'll make my own change. just sit back in the heavenly throne, i'll do your job. i'll show love and compassion, i'll fight for justice. just keep watching.

though, these are still empty threats. i cannot be God.

i just want him to notice me. send me a sign. save me. love me.

"I've met God across his long walnut desk with his diplomas hanging on the wall behind him, and God asks me, "Why?"
Why did I cause so much pain?
Didn't I realize that each of us is a sacred, unique snowflake of special unique specialness?
Can't I see that we're all manifestations of love?
I look at God behind his desk, taking notes on a pad, but God's got this all wrong.
We are not special.
We are not crap or trash either. We just are.
We just are, and what happens just happens.
And God says, "No, that's not right."
Yeah. Well. Whatever. You can't teach God anything."