departure

"Whatever happens, conduct yourselves in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ. Then, whether I come and see you or only hear about you in my absence, I will know that you stand firm in one spirit, contending as one man for the faith of the gospel without being frightened in any way by those who oppose you. This is a sign to them that they will be destroyed, but that you will be saved—and that by God. For it has been granted to you on behalf of Christ not only to believe on him, but also to suffer for him, since you are going through the same struggle you saw I had, and now hear that I still have." - Philippians 1:27-30



i have no sense of who i am; i lack essential foundation for my own self. do i need a foundation to have faith or shall i make faith my foundation? i imagine that I'll never be capable of a faith without doubt, so i wonder if i should attempt to build myself up upon something so shaky.



tonight i went to Midtown, another notch in my tally of churches. i really enjoyed it - i think that if i ever figure this all out and i accept Christ I'd end up going there.

even though i liked it, it didn't change the fact that i was afraid. walking in i was shaking. i felt like i was intruding; i am an outsider. its a ridiculous feeling, out of the mass of people there - i couldn't possibly be singled out. i guess I'm just stupid.

the sermon dealt with suffering, a key component to Buddhism. i took notes comparing the christian and Buddhist view of suffering. it allowed me to express my own grey area between the two faiths. it was interesting for a first sermon on my religious adventure, especially since I've been discussing suffering lately.

i just wish i could talk about these things in person, I'm just too afraid. i know I'm prone to breakdowns and i couldn't bear to make someone deal with my overdramatic self. i feel alone, but i know I'm not. i know i could talk to someone if i had the courage to.
not talking to others makes me feel more isolated, which takes a harsher toll.

I'm doing it to myself.