there's nothing I wouldn't give

its ridiculous for me to continue to tell myself it wouldn't be a problem if i wasn't here. it'll always be a problem as long as i have the ability to think. i am the problem in this struggle, not the bible-thumpers that treat me like a disease, or worse, a project.


i can still justify all of my previous religious beliefs if need be; they make sense to me. i built it around the suffering I've seen, the suffering that haunts me, and the constant pain streaming live 24/7 on my television. a broken child, broken family, war-torn country, poverty, hunger, genocide, disease, natural disaster all delivered so nicely to my comfortable living room in a beautiful package of color and pixels. a bundle of worries distant enough that i should be entirely desensitized to them. it doesn't affect me, or at least I'm told it shouldn't.


but it does. i used to have nightmares of struggles I'm sure I'll never ever endure in reality, now i just don't sleep. i worry myself with things i feel powerless against. i know I'm just sixteen and not capable of much, but i feel such a huge responsibility to my fellow man. sitting here, being dependent on my mother, i feel useless.

does God feel responsible, too? does He care? is He trying to help?



i think in the simplest terms, my God, the one i want so badly to believe in, the one I've copied and pasted together, is a God of Love, Peace, and Humanity. A God of Revolution, if need be, a revolution against the overbearing and oppressive darkness that threatens to consume us. A God with open arms and a beautiful, forgiving nature.

A God that will allow me to redeem myself.

i have fallen; i am sorry.



i turn to activism in efforts to satisfy myself, but sometimes i wonder if i feel satisfied because I've inched closer to God - or I'm working with him. i can remember key moments during climaxes of protests and rallies where i thought "this is what church should feel like."

is it possible God works to resolve suffering through people? is that why He gave me these hands? this heart? this mind? does God need us? does God call his people to action? i hope so.

that would be my God.







i used to sleep without a single stir,
cause i was about my Father's work.
-millstone;; brand new



"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing."