fuck.

i am so stupid.

servants of one sovereign master

Two Treatises of Government
Section 6 of Chapter II 'Of the State of Nature'

"But though this be a state of liberty, yet it is not a state of licence: though man in that state have an uncontroulable liberty to dispose of his person or possessions, yet he has not liberty to destroy himself, or so much as any creature in his possession, but where some nobler use than its bare preservation calls for it. The state of nature has a law of nature to govern it, which obliges every one: and reason, which is that law, teaches all mankind, who will but consult it, that being all equal and independent, no one ought to harm another in his life, health, liberty, or possessions: for men being all the workmanship of one omnipotent, and infinitely wise maker; all the servants of one sovereign master, sent into the world by his order, and about his business; they are his property, whose workmanship they are, made to last during his, not one another's pleasure: and being furnished with like faculties, sharing all in one community of nature, there cannot be supposed any such subordination among us, that may authorize us to destroy one another, as if we were made for one another's uses, as the inferior ranks of creatures are for our's. Every one, as he is bound to preserve himself, and not to quit his station wilfully, so by the like reason, when his own preservation comes not in competition, ought he, as much as he can, to preserve the rest of mankind, and may not, unless it be to do justice on an offender, take away, or impair the life, or what tends to the preservation of the life, the liberty, health, limb, or goods of another."



i am my brother's keeper.
i am my brother's servant.
my life is not my own property.

checking tradition

For the first time during a religious discussion I haven't felt threatened, wrong, or unsure. I didn't respond in anger, frustration, or guilt. I was filled with a certainty that I've never felt. For the first time, I claimed aloud with no doubts to be an Atheist.



"Man must not check reason by tradition,
but contrariwise, must check tradition by reason." - Leo Tolstoy

all is for the best

a beautiful, simple masterpiece: Candide by Voltaire (1759)


"Men... must have corrupted nature a little, for they were not born wolves, and they have become wolves. God did not give them twenty-four-pounder cannons or bayonets, and they have made bayonets and cannons to destroy each other."

"If this is the best of all possible worlds, what are the others?"

"A hundred times I wanted to kill myself, but I still loved life. This ridiculous foible is perhaps one of our most disastrous inclinations. For is there anything more stupid than to want to bear continually a burden that we always want to throw to the ground? To regard our being with horror, and to cling to our being? In fine, to caress the serpent that devours us until it has eaten our hearts."

"I confess that when I consider this globe, or rather this globule, I think that God has abandoned it to some evil creature"

"Work keeps at bay three great evils: boredom, vice, and need."

"Man was born to live in the convulsions of anxiety or the lethargy of boredom."

"Do you think... that men have always massacred each other, as they do today? Have they always been liars, cheats, traitors, brigands, weak, flighty, cowardly, envious, gluttonous, drunken, grasping, and vicious, bloody, backbiting, debauched, fanatical, hypocritical, and silly?"

i dreamed of a fever

I think the switch might have flipped. For the past few weeks, whenever I think about god I feel nothing. I doubt I have the slightest bit of faith left. More and more, I think I may be atheist - I never expected this would be a possibility for me. I'll pray though. Proverbs 8:17


I need to warm up. I'm freezing here.
Lexington feels so cold. I can't wait to get out of here.
I just want to be surrounded by the people that I care about.



so if there is a perfect spring that’s waiting somewhere
just take me there and lie to me and say it’s going to be all right
it's going to be all right, yeah, you worry too much, kid
it's going to be all right

change can happen

i can't believe i was able to see Obama become President-Elect.
now the work truly begins,
let's go change the world.

fox and lion

i am so tired.
i don't feel the need to justify myself anymore.

my works speak loudly enough, my service has spoken for me -
i know there is more to do, i haven't done enough, but i feel as if i don't need to justify myself to anyone except God. my beliefs stand as they are. i am of the minority here, and i feel as if every new day is an inquisition. why should i explain myself to those that have done nothing except borrow their mother and father's rhetoric?

i want to win this election, rejoice, and then do more work.
no more talking, no more poetry.
it's time for prose.


this is a time for action.



"The innovator makes enemies of all who prospered under the old order, and only lukewarm support is forthcoming from those who would prosper under the new. [...] all armed prophets have conquered, and unarmed prophets have come to grief." - Machiavelli

my mistake was in refusing to bear arms.

He is able

'God is able to deliver us from this blazing, fiery furnace.'

i am so half-hearted in my attempts to seek him.
if i ever find him, i will hold on.
i won't ever slip again.

no one will shake me.

i don't think I'll ever be able to understand the concept of love or friendship because my view is so one sided. do i give because i fear there's no other use for me? or do i not let others in because I'm afraid of what they'll discover? i can't imagine why i should be any one's priority.


I've forgotten what it's like to be close.
i don't want to fuck anything else up.
i just don't want to be alone.

by faith

Romans 1:17
"The righteous will live by faith."

will You call me Your daughter?
will You turn me away?

Would the righteous still remain?

after all this time, i'm no closer to finding You.

Psalm 119:50

My comfort in my suffering is this: Your promise preserves my life.

self-conclusion

there are a few things i have to do on my own,

incase you were wondering.

Haec credam a deo pio, a deo justo, a deo scito?

spent

I've set a trap for myself in this role that I play.
I have to get out before it's too late.
I'm going fucking insane.

I need to tend to my own wounds.
I've got a few scars that are splitting again.




I am so weak.
I crave comfort and relief, a friend or a savior.
If I can't have a real God, I know I'll just create one.
so desperate, so stupid, so hopeless, so unsatisfied.




How long, Oh Lord?
Will You forget me forever?
How long will You hide Your face from me?

save farris

I've been praying for a sign.
I keep over analyzing everything.
One dollar bills, youth groups, brochures, absence, flickering lights, underlined words, lyrics, shapes, dreams, friendships.
postcards?

God, I am so selfish to keep asking. I hope you aren't getting tired. I keep getting little things that make me think you are trying to find me. Am I not trying hard enough to find you?

It is so stupid, but the message on this postsecret hit me.
Then I noticed my name.

God, do you exist? Are you trying to send me a sign?
I know you can't storm down here and part a sea. You can't send your son again just to prove yourself to me. How far will you go to get my attention? How important am I?

I feel like a stupid little girl whenever I talk about you.
I feel like time is running out. Send me something or someone soon.

Please, God, fix this.
It's been too long.

I am disgusted by my disbelief.
I am disgusted that I feel You should be worrying about me.
There is so much work to be done, God.
I'm sorry.


why are you scared to dream of God
when it's salvation that you want?

God, where have you been?

i wish i could talk about religion with people, face to face, but i don't have the courage. i just want someone to talk to me.

i find my lack of faith disgusting, but it is not a disease.
'Father, where have you been?'

it's been three years.
'Child, where have you been?'

reach out.
those lions are coming.
















they should deliver all my blessings
in small brown paper handbags near the porch
i wished i'd known that you were bleeding
while i sat and watched you reading with the Lord
-where have you been?;; manchester orchestra

I dare not linger

"There is a loftier ambition than merely to stand high in the world.
It is to stoop down and lift mankind a little higher."


This is a promise to myself, from here on out, not to take anything I haven't worked for.

There is a yearning desire inside of me to be recognized. A monster that likes to growl about what I 'deserve' - when the truth is, I haven't earned any greatness. I must conquer this if I ever expect myself to do God's work. I cannot possibly be a servant to my brothers and sisters if I want to be "someone." I am thankful for all of the times I've been shot down, a little blow to my ego helps me to find my center once again. As strange as it sounds, a bit of failure is a good thing for me. I don't want to ever feel entitled or too successful.

I want to be someone great, I think secretly, everyone does - but what I want more than that is to earn it. I can't imagine it any other way.

Dona nobis pacem

i could hear the church bells ringing
they pealed aloud your praise
the members faces were smiling
with their hands out stretched to shake
it's true they did not move me
my heart was hard and tired
their perfect fire annoyed me
i could not find you anywhere


could someone please tell me the story
of sinners ransomed from the fall
i still have never seen you
and some days i don't love you at all

the devoted were wearing bracelets
to remind them why they came
some concrete motivation
when the abstract could not do the same
but if all that's left is duty i'm falling on my sword
at least then i would not serve an unseen distant lord

if this is ony a test
i hope that i'm passing
cause i'm losing steam
and i still want to trust you

peace be still

you can't go back now

well, this happened quickly. I've got two jobs now - one at Antonina's and one at Jan's catering company. I've applied for a State Leadership position with Students for Barack Obama. I'm learning to drive, finally. I've got a pretty big event in the works for SFBO - and we have some new members! i have to meet with Gomez soon and figure out the specifics of my schedule for the 4th. i am absolutely ecstatic, there is no place I'd rather be. i can feel it again.



the undertow is playfully pulling at my feet, the waves are lapping at my ankles. the allure of a chaotic campaign season, i can't resist it. my feet are wet, but i crave more. I'll wade out into deeper waters only to be tossed around by the waves. I'll succumb to the riptide and let it pull me out further, realizing that if i fight it I'll drown. the tide will go out, and I'll see my peers on the shore. this is will be the farthest I've gone, but i know that when its over the tide will come in and place me gently alongside my more timid companions. I'll be battered, exhausted, and entirely spent, but I'll be smiling.



















i can't really say why everybody wishes they were somewhere else

but in the end, the only steps that matter are the ones you take all by yourself

-can't go back now;; the weepies

Lord, give me a chance to shake that hand

i cannot fathom this general election without Tim Russert, his death is a huge loss to the world of journalism, politics, humanitarian efforts, and the American public as a whole. I can't even explain the loss i feel. i can't imagine a Sunday without Tim. i can't imagine him not being there to grill candidates. i can't imagine him not being there to cut closer to the truth than any other journalist.

America, and the world, are suffering tonight. i have no doubts that the outcome of this election is going to be greatly impacted by this tremendous loss.

his enthusiasm and love for politics were clear. it is a shame that he won't be here to discuss this historic campaign, but i have no doubt that he's watching intently.



i do have something to look forward to in the face of this heartache. that stupid thing i did, where i passed up an amazing opportunity, God is granting me the chance to make it up. Now, if he'll just grant me the strength. i hope i can pull this off, its going to take a miracle - but isn't that the point of what i'm doing? i hope.




get up, get up, turn on ignition
get up, get up, fire up the system
play my little part in something big
i'll accept with poise, with grace
when they draw my name from the lottery
& they'll say 'all the salt in the world couldn't melt that ice'
i'm the one who gets away
i'm a New Jersey success-story
& they'll say 'Lord, give me a chance to shake that hand'

chutes too narrow

i can't believe i did this. i can't believe i passed up an amazing experience doing something i love, something that makes a difference, something i want to do for the rest of my life. what is wrong with me?

i hate when i let simple insecurity get in the way of something great. i don't understand why i hold back so much. why am i so afraid of getting too far ahead? it can't possibly be natural. i find it impossible to step onto the stage and set myself apart from them. its going to be the reason for my mediocrity. i don't understand why i give myself limits.

i am so stupid.

i pray that something becomes of the horrible mess, and although i've missed the deadline - maybe something local will crop up and i'll still have an amazing opportunity. until then, i'm going to be kicking myself.

in other news, i give in and give up to Him. i'm surrendering my skeptic nature for a brief time. i'm working to read my bible again, i hope that i can gather enough of a support system within myself and among my friends so that i can make it through this. its difficult, but i want it so badly. i've put myself in a living hell for over three years now, i've barred myself from God's love. i'm ready for this to be over. i am so weak without Him.















Of course I was raised to
Gather courage from those
Lofty tales so tried and true, but
If you're able I'd suggest it, 'cause this
Modern thought can get the best of you

This rather simple epitaph
Can save your hide, your falling mind
Fate isn't what we're up against
There's no design, no flaws to find

But I learned fast how to
Keep my head up, 'cause I
Know I've got this side of me that
Wants to grab the yoke from the pilot
And just fly the whole mess into the sea
-Young Pilgrims;; The Shins

our time.

the moment i was waiting and working for.

today, Barack Obama became the presumptive Democratic nominee. what an absolutely beautiful day in American history.

i am so proud to say i have been a part of this campaign and that i will continue to work for Senator Obama. i can't wait until i'm stuffed in a small office, cramped with other volunteers, tallying phone calls. i can't wait to gulp down water after a long day of canvassing and visibility. i can't wait until i've strained my eyes in the bright light of a computer screen, entering data into the voter network. i can't wait to live off of redbull and rally chants. i can't to work for my country again. i can't wait until i'm part of something great again.

i welcome general election campaign for Senator Barack Obama's presidency back to South Carolina. it was sorely missed.



"In our country, I have found that this cooperation happens not because we agree on everything, but because behind all the labels and false divisions and categories that define us; beyond all the petty bickering and point-scoring in Washington, Americans are a decent, generous, compassionate people, united by common challenges and common hopes. And every so often, there are moments which call on that fundamental goodness to make this country great again.

So it was for that band of patriots who declared in a Philadelphia hall the formation of a more perfect union; and for all those who gave on the fields of Gettysburg and Antietam their last full measure of devotion to save that same union.

So it was for the Greatest Generation that conquered fear itself, and liberated a continent from tyranny, and made this country home to untold opportunity and prosperity.

So it was for the workers who stood out on the picket lines; the women who shattered glass ceilings; the children who braved a Selma bridge for freedom's cause.

So it has been for every generation that faced down the greatest challenges and the most improbable odds to leave their children a world that's better, and kinder, and more just.

And so it must be for us.

America, this is our moment. This is our time. Our time to turn the page on the policies of the past. Our time to bring new energy and new ideas to the challenges we face. Our time to offer a new direction for the country we love.

The journey will be difficult. The road will be long. I face this challenge with profound humility, and knowledge of my own limitations. But I also face it with limitless faith in the capacity of the American people. Because if we are willing to work for it, and fight for it, and believe in it, then I am absolutely certain that generations from now, we will be able to look back and tell our children that this was the moment when we began to provide care for the sick and good jobs to the jobless; this was the moment when the rise of the oceans began to slow and our planet began to heal; this was the moment when we ended a war and secured our nation and restored our image as the last, best hope on Earth. This was the moment - this was the time - when we came together to remake this great nation so that it may always reflect our very best selves, and our highest ideals. Thank you, God Bless you, and may God Bless the United States of America."

- Senator Barack Obama
victory speech in St. Paul, Minnesota

there's nothing I wouldn't give

its ridiculous for me to continue to tell myself it wouldn't be a problem if i wasn't here. it'll always be a problem as long as i have the ability to think. i am the problem in this struggle, not the bible-thumpers that treat me like a disease, or worse, a project.


i can still justify all of my previous religious beliefs if need be; they make sense to me. i built it around the suffering I've seen, the suffering that haunts me, and the constant pain streaming live 24/7 on my television. a broken child, broken family, war-torn country, poverty, hunger, genocide, disease, natural disaster all delivered so nicely to my comfortable living room in a beautiful package of color and pixels. a bundle of worries distant enough that i should be entirely desensitized to them. it doesn't affect me, or at least I'm told it shouldn't.


but it does. i used to have nightmares of struggles I'm sure I'll never ever endure in reality, now i just don't sleep. i worry myself with things i feel powerless against. i know I'm just sixteen and not capable of much, but i feel such a huge responsibility to my fellow man. sitting here, being dependent on my mother, i feel useless.

does God feel responsible, too? does He care? is He trying to help?



i think in the simplest terms, my God, the one i want so badly to believe in, the one I've copied and pasted together, is a God of Love, Peace, and Humanity. A God of Revolution, if need be, a revolution against the overbearing and oppressive darkness that threatens to consume us. A God with open arms and a beautiful, forgiving nature.

A God that will allow me to redeem myself.

i have fallen; i am sorry.



i turn to activism in efforts to satisfy myself, but sometimes i wonder if i feel satisfied because I've inched closer to God - or I'm working with him. i can remember key moments during climaxes of protests and rallies where i thought "this is what church should feel like."

is it possible God works to resolve suffering through people? is that why He gave me these hands? this heart? this mind? does God need us? does God call his people to action? i hope so.

that would be my God.







i used to sleep without a single stir,
cause i was about my Father's work.
-millstone;; brand new



"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing."

what kind of life you dream of?

yesterday was amazing. I'm so glad I'm finally done with apush! that class was intense, I'm so happy i took it, and i know i learned a lot from Chellams. but still, WHAT A RELIEF! its over! thank God!

i felt like the exam went well. i only left 7 blank and i beasted the DBQ - the other two essays i made up some things and i was really vague... but i don't think they were too entirely disgusting - but it is possible.

i had planned to devote the rest of the day to simplicity: good food, the park, walking, coffee, literature; but as usual i got caught up in politics!

Mrs. Hensly was at the watershed with a few people running for state senate and house. apparently, I'm now working for Edgar Gomez's campaign. he is so interesting, i could listen to him talk all day! anyways, he's running against the republican incumbent, Nikki Haley. my first task is to locate private property that is willing to display his signs. alas, conservative Lexington!

but i love it! i get such a rush out of meeting new people and hearing their ideas on what would make this country better. I've met so many wonderful voters, volunteers, and politicians in the past year - i can't imagine my life without them or their stories. through their passion and hard work, my faith in humanity has been restored.

i can't wait until i don't have to go to school anymore, I'm ready to get on with my own life and start doing what i love 24/7.

when every other part of life seemed locked behind shutters
i knew the worthless dregs we are,
the selfless, loving saints we are,
the melting, sliding dice we've always been.
- know your onion!;; the shins

stay awake through summer like we own the heat

I'm tired. I'm stupid. I'm ready for the summer.

this year has been full of a lot of hard work. I've tried, honestly, to improve myself.

as June approaches, my motivation for self-improvement dwindles. i haven't achieved anything, and although i have changed significantly - i don't know if its for the better.

i have no idea who i am anymore. i go through extremes; I'm a cynic and a romantic all at once. the only common theme is that I've given up. after Friday, i consider my sophomore year over. I'm ready for the summer. I'm ready for a taste of freedom. I'm ready for good friends. I'm ready for nights i won't forget. I'm ready for open doors, new horizons, and limitless opportunity.

and I'll cope with the mistakes I'm going to make.

its worth it.

departure

"Whatever happens, conduct yourselves in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ. Then, whether I come and see you or only hear about you in my absence, I will know that you stand firm in one spirit, contending as one man for the faith of the gospel without being frightened in any way by those who oppose you. This is a sign to them that they will be destroyed, but that you will be saved—and that by God. For it has been granted to you on behalf of Christ not only to believe on him, but also to suffer for him, since you are going through the same struggle you saw I had, and now hear that I still have." - Philippians 1:27-30



i have no sense of who i am; i lack essential foundation for my own self. do i need a foundation to have faith or shall i make faith my foundation? i imagine that I'll never be capable of a faith without doubt, so i wonder if i should attempt to build myself up upon something so shaky.



tonight i went to Midtown, another notch in my tally of churches. i really enjoyed it - i think that if i ever figure this all out and i accept Christ I'd end up going there.

even though i liked it, it didn't change the fact that i was afraid. walking in i was shaking. i felt like i was intruding; i am an outsider. its a ridiculous feeling, out of the mass of people there - i couldn't possibly be singled out. i guess I'm just stupid.

the sermon dealt with suffering, a key component to Buddhism. i took notes comparing the christian and Buddhist view of suffering. it allowed me to express my own grey area between the two faiths. it was interesting for a first sermon on my religious adventure, especially since I've been discussing suffering lately.

i just wish i could talk about these things in person, I'm just too afraid. i know I'm prone to breakdowns and i couldn't bear to make someone deal with my overdramatic self. i feel alone, but i know I'm not. i know i could talk to someone if i had the courage to.
not talking to others makes me feel more isolated, which takes a harsher toll.

I'm doing it to myself.

their perfect fire annoyed me

"Come to me, all you that are weary and are carrying heavy burdens and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me; for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."
-matthew 11:28-30




i am weak, but i am willing.

you can only blame yourself

my addiction is ridiculous. i walk around craving a religious experience. i need a fix. i can devour all the words in the Koran and the Bible, read all about Buddha and other ancient, irrelevant texts - it won't help. i don't want this methadone. i want a true rush. i want a Divine high.



"sweep me under the rug
& a beating with a book everyone
the book tells you to love
there is an ember in the heart of the kiln
& its burning hot with love
Burning out my sins until there's nothing but dust
holding me with care into your cigarette
cause the God i believe in never worked on a campaign trail

what did you learn tonight?
you're shouting so loud you barely enjoy this broken thing
you're a voice that never sings, is what I say
you were freezing over hell
you were bringing on the end, you do so well
you can only blame yourself, it's what I say

who do you carry the torch for, my young man?
do you believe in anything?
do you carry it around just to burn things to the ground?"
-brand new;; The Archer's Bows Are Broken

abandonment

i used to think i had my faith under control. i'm spiralling downward. i have no idea what i am going to do. i want to be content with my own ideas about religion, but i crave fellowship. i think of my choices and all i see are two: 1) find a group of open-minded people who are content to sit around once a week and just talk about religion as well as offer comfort. hell, i don't need a congregation of 50, i just need one or two people to talk to in person; or 2) i could get over it, convert, fake it like the half of the church-goers do. shove it aside. deal with it later.

"What you have to understand, is your father was your model for God. If you're male and you're Christian and living in America, your father is your model for God. And if you never know your father, if your father bails out and dies or is never at home, what do you believe about God? What you end up doing is you spend your life searching for your father and God. What you have to consider is the possibility that God doesn't like you. Could be, God hates us. This is not the worst thing that could happen."

i read Fight Club so long ago, but still these quotes always strike me harder than any others. my father is distant; i feel like God is distant. i wish for nothing more than a genuine relationship with God. i want support, comfort, solace, discipline, and i want to be saved. i can't help but wonder if part of this desire comes from my lack of a father on earth.

"How Tyler saw it was that getting God's attention for being bad was better than getting no attention at all. Maybe because God's hate is better than His indifference.
If you could be either God's worst enemy or nothing, which would you choose?
We are God's middle children, according to Tyler Durden, with no special place in history and no special attention.
Unless we get God's attention, we have no hope of damnation or redemption.
Which is worse, hell or nothing?
Only if we're caught and punished can we be saved."



i feel like a wounded child. lost. calling out for help. i'm passed every day by so many people, most of them don't mention it. i know its evident. i know i must give off the impression of someone on the edge. my voice cracks, i don't sleep, i'm always disheveled. i'm too weak to ask for help in plain language, but i know that the signs are there.



i have times where i decide that i'm overdue for a bad decision; i'll do something stupid for the hell of it. i won't enjoy it. i feel like a child. i feel like vandalizing the pearly gates themselves and daring God to get off his ass. i want proof he cares. its a good thing i came to the realization that my stupidity isn't going to beckon him to show himself. If Sudan doesn't do it for you, i doubt a stupid teenager will.


i give up on my pathetic attempts to get a response. i play God for myself. i'll get involved, i'll make my own change. just sit back in the heavenly throne, i'll do your job. i'll show love and compassion, i'll fight for justice. just keep watching.

though, these are still empty threats. i cannot be God.

i just want him to notice me. send me a sign. save me. love me.

"I've met God across his long walnut desk with his diplomas hanging on the wall behind him, and God asks me, "Why?"
Why did I cause so much pain?
Didn't I realize that each of us is a sacred, unique snowflake of special unique specialness?
Can't I see that we're all manifestations of love?
I look at God behind his desk, taking notes on a pad, but God's got this all wrong.
We are not special.
We are not crap or trash either. We just are.
We just are, and what happens just happens.
And God says, "No, that's not right."
Yeah. Well. Whatever. You can't teach God anything."

& glow, glow

i'm 16 now, and this is the only birthday i've ever had that made me feel different. its not that i feel older, or more mature, but i feel more capable. i don't think i feel this way because i'm 16, i just know i feel it.

i filled with the urge to chase after something; i know i can grasp it; i know it is possible. i want to challenge someone because for the first time in my life, i just know that i could win.

its a strange sort of pride, caused by absolutely nothing. i've achieved no greatness to make me feel this way. in fact, i've barely accomplished anything. i feel its wrong to feel so completely sure of myself, but i don't think i can help it. this pride is sinful.

the urge to challenge and conquer scratches the walls of my heart, and i fear it will be released. i know the results could be disastrous. strangely enough, i don't care.





so enlist every ounce
of your bright blood
& off with their heads
jump from the hook
you're not obliged
to swallow anything you despise
-sleeping lessons;; the shins

passenger seat

last night i was at the wired bean, hanging out with a few of my friends - doing nothing in particular but existing in each other's good company, which is almost always good enough.

i wasn't aware that it was FCA worship night. Aware is a bad word to use, i had heard about it, but its knowledge, so useless to me, was stored in the depths of my mind. so i was aware, but not completely conscious of it. i guess that's the case with most things.

one by one people i loved walked through the door of the bean, stopping to laugh and joke and talk with me, but ultimately passing through to the watershed - to the congregation of Christians.

eventually my friends left, about an hour before i was to be picked up.

i drifted off in the cozy chair, listening to the sounds of the worshippers. suddenly, i was filled with so many emotions.

envy, of everyone and their fellowship and how i did not belong;
loneliness, i felt so alone in my doubt and skepticism;
the self-loathing of not having the strength to resist 'sin', of not being able to blindly believe or understand or have faith, of giving up;

i was reminded of the anger i felt when i was pushed away by church members for asking questions; of the times i tried so hard to be christian and know Christ, all of the failures i suffered when trying to grasp the concept of heaven and hell.

of all the things i felt that night,
the most painful one was the aching desire to know god.

i sat there, feeling completely unable to bear what i felt. it will always be the cross i can not shoulder. i felt weak. i wondered if anyone else felt as unsure as i do, and if so, why couldn't we talk about it? why wouldn't they speak up? i felt so alone it made me sick, i felt so disconnected from my fellow humans. i was thoroughly disgusted by myself and my refusal to just accept.

i wondered if anyone in the wired bean felt the same way. i wondered if anyone in the watershed felt these same doubts as they lifted their Lord's name.

mostly everyone i know goes to church, but only a few of them make me want to go to church. they are people who are so compassionate, who have such open hearts, and i can see the living word of Christ reflected in their faces. these people make me want to know them, and likewise make me want to know God. their faith is beautiful.

i think my greatest fear is being alone.
without fellowship.
without god.





i felt so uncomfortable in that chair with the sound of praise ringing in my ears, that i left. i went outside, it was the desperate desire to look at the stars and perhaps see the face of god.


only one star was visible to me on that cold, clear night.

my barbaric YAWP

i really love walt whitman.
i wish the words that i write had half the life that his do.






"I CELEBRATE myself, and sing myself,
And what I assume you shall assume,
For every atom belonging to me as good belongs to you.

I loafe and invite my soul,
I lean and loafe at my ease observing a spear of summer grass.

My tongue, every atom of my blood, form'd from this soil, this air,
Born here of parents born here from parents the same, and their parents the same,
I, now thirty-seven years old in perfect health begin,
Hoping to cease not till death.

Creeds and schools in abeyance,
Retiring back a while sufficed at what they are, but never forgotten,
I harbor for good or bad,
I permit to speak at every hazard,
Nature without check with original energy. "
-Song of Myself; 1

california

as usual, i'm facing a miserable low after the greatest high i have ever experienced. i feel like i'm being ridiculus, and i probably am, but i just can't stand it. the four months leading up to january 26th were amazing. i've met so many people i will never forget and i learned more than i ever expected. it was always in the back of my mind that it would have to end somewhere - i just didn't know it would be so sudden. something that big would deserve a greater send off in my mind...

although i guess it was the greatest send off imaginable. we won. all of our hard work paid off, as we knew it would. the sleepless nights, hours of phonebanking, days of volunteer training all culminating in one amazing night. the victory speech will always stand out as a singular moment in my mind - all those people celebrating the same thing, tied together by just one thing - their desire for change.

and i know this experience has changed my life forever. no longer to i want to compromise my ambitions - i know what i will do and i know it will be more fullfilling than anything i could have dreamed of doing before. i've discovered i'm happiest working as many hours as possible for something i'm passionate about.

i'm so afraid that i won't be able to rally SFBO and it will fall apart just because the primaries here are over. there's still so much we can do. i know that i can keep us together though, if i invest my all energy into it. i felt lost when betsy left - she has had such a heavy hand in my small group. now i know this is about what we can do, betsy was a huge asset, but it was not her group. it ours. Lexington High School's. we will continue the group and we will be ready when obama gets the nomination and his organizers return to SC. we'll be here waiting.

as much as i miss all the people that left, it keeps me sane to know that they are going to get others FIRED UP and that they will be back soon. i can't wait until that day.







you know just the right thing to say when the
distance rips us farther and farther and farther away
i'll see you soon, if you're coming back this way again.
come back from California,
all of us here in Florida are starved for your attention.
-california;; copeland